Christmas Shopping as a Mom

My due date with my first child was October 16th. It never once occurred to me during the 9 + months that I was pregnant that this would present a problem with Christmas shopping. For one thing, I believe strongly that the Christmas season doesn't begin until after we've turned the calendar to December.

Rewind to the beginning of December 2010 when I had a 4 week old (my baby came 11 days after her estimated "due" date). My baby was nursing around 10-12 times per day, I was still learning the true definition of sleep deprivation and I hadn't yet figured out how to fit in a daily shower. I actually left my baby for the very first time at the beginning of December. I had to get my driver's license renewed. I did a quick nursing session and left my brand new baby in the happy arms of her grandmother. I was gone a little over an hour. It was not such a big deal. But that's because I had no choice. I needed my license. I didn't need Christmas presents. I struggled with leaving my baby at this young age. It was emotional. I can say I wish it wasn't, but it was. And it was hard from a nursing perspective too. It's really not practical to go shopping for just an hour (and pumping wasn't yet an option for me). I hadn't yet learned the beauty of internet shopping. Christmas was approaching and I hadn't purchased a single gift.

Thankfully, we all agreed on a light gift giving Christmas that year and my husband was able to do most of the shopping for the extended family. As we entered the week of Christmas, I decided I would run to the closest store, just minutes away, so I could feel some sense of normalcy. No, I wouldn't normally do my Christmas shopping at the grocery store but I could be gone and back quickly this way. I went to the store and selected a few simple items. Having gifts to give is nice, no matter how simple. And, of course, the only thing that really mattered was us being together, with our new baby.

And I promised myself, next year would be easier.

The beginning of December 2011 came fast. My baby was now 13 months old. She was still nursing twice a day. I had retired the pump a month earlier and there was no way on earth I was getting that thing back out again. This meant, I needed to be around when it was time to nurse. She was also still taking 2 naps per day. I maybe had a 2 hour stretch between her naps, meals and nursing sessions. Plus, I was working full time. 

I got a bit of shopping done on the weekends when my daughter was down for her nap. But my days of all day shopping marathons were still gone. I needed to get home. To nurse. But it was more than just that. I wanted to be home. I was gone all week at work and I didn't want to spend the little time I had with my family on the weekends out shopping.

It was the week of Christmas and I was, again, still finishing my shopping. I remember taking my daughter with me to Kohl's. All the customers waved at her in her stroller as I roamed the aisles. It made me smile and feel slightly less stress as I found items for most of the people on my list. 

The week of that Christmas we received some wonderful news. I was pregnant with my second child.

That's the moment  I knew Christmas shopping was never, ever going to get easier. 

And it was from that moment on that I began to do early Christmas shopping. I bought my first Christmas present in February that year. This makes me insanely happy. If I hear someone say they want something or if I get a good idea for a gift, I go and make the purchase at that moment. No need to wait. I make lists as I come up with ideas. In fact, I already have a full list of almost every Easter gift my children will be getting next year. I most definitely found the pure joy that comes with internet purchases.

This year, I bought the vast majority of my kids gifts in October. It was just a coincidence. We went down the toy aisle at Target. They pointed to several items and I was able to go back and make some purchases a couple weeks later. I take advantage of these opportunities whenever I can now.

But, here's the thing. Sure, when that calendar turned to December in 2014 I had the kids shopping done. This still didn't eliminate my holiday stress entirely. I had bought a small number of other gifts, but I was actually behind with the extended family's gifts this year compared to the last 2 years. Not to mention the house decorating, the cookies that need to be baked, the crafts that need to be made for the girls' Christmas gifts and the parties planned. And the wrapping. All the wrapping.

All those things will get done though. I really do know this. Whether I buy gifts in October or February or the week of Christmas. All these things somehow, magically, get done. No matter how stressful it is. No matter how impossible it seems it will be to get the shopping and everything else done. I'm quite certain I will keep making my lists months in advance and finding happiness in purchasing gifts at the beginning of the year. When it comes to Christmas shopping, things are quite different now that I'm a mom. But when Christmas morning comes it is so much more special. And it just goes to show, no matter how old we are, Christmastime is most definitely magical. 

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No Bottles, No Pump - The First Month

If you have a goal to breastfeed for a month or longer, I strongly suggest no pumping or use of bottles for at least the first month. This includes both expressed milk and formula in a bottle. My reasoning is not because I have a concern about nipple confusion. 

In fact, I'll be the first to admit that I reached for a pacifier by the second day for both of my children. The first night went okay because we were both utterly exhausted from that little thing called labor. However, by the second night, it became difficult to soothe my baby. I would nurse her those few drops of colostrum and she would drift into a deep and satisfied post-feed, newborn sleep. I would gently lay her in the bassinet beside my bed and dash to the bathroom. Next, I would drink the huge jug of water on my little table with wheels and stuff my face with a lovely turkey sandwich and an orange (because I was starving even though it was 2 in the morning). Just as I would lay my head down on the pillow, the soft cries that were so new to me would begin. I would then pull my brand new baby out of her bassinet and offer her my breast again. She would take it once more and be satisfied and asleep all over. And then back to the bassinet. But soon after laying her down, she was crying again. And you know why? Because she didn't really want to be in a plastic box with a mattress that was only a quarter-inch thick. She wanted to lay on me: her soft, warm place where she had been for 9 months. With its familiar smell and the soothing thump thump of my heartbeat. But as much as I wanted to hold my baby forever, I needed to get a few moments of real sleep - or there was a very serious risk of me dropping that sweet child on her sweet head. So, after I was certain her belly was filled with my liquid gold, I offered her a pacifier and this afforded me at least a short nap in the middle of the night.

So, no, I don't personally have a fear of nipple confusion. I do have concerns about bottles though. I wish there was more education regarding waiting to pump and waiting to offer a bottle (whether it is expressed breast milk or formula) for at least the first month and even longer, if possible. Here's why:

Every single time your baby latches she is telling your body to make milk for her: You want your baby to tell your body to make milk about every other hour in the beginning. By latching her more frequently, it will actually help your milk to come in faster.

Your baby is better at it than your pump:  Your baby is way more effective than your pump at removing milk. You may have heard to attach to a pump to get your milk to come in quicker. But,  your baby will do a better job, it'll be more relaxing for you and there's no clean-up! 

It takes 4-6 weeks to establish your milk supply: Your baby is letting your body know exactly how much milk she needs in the first 4-6 weeks after birth. She's not just telling you how many times she needs to nurse in a day but also the amount of milk she needs (which is different at different feeds throughout the day).  If you attach yourself to a pump, your pump is telling your body how much to make, not your baby, and that can cause supply problems down the road. 

Engorgement: I hear it again and again. A woman says she is painfully engorged so she reaches for her pump. But each time you are overly full and then pump - you are actually telling your body to make more milk! This is, of course, the exact opposite of what you want to do and can often lead to clogged ducts or mastitis. If you are engorged, the best thing to do is nurse your baby and then your baby and your body will actually regulate your milk supply on its own. If you are painfully engorged so much so that it is difficult to nurse, you can try to do some hand expression. Check out this wonderful post from an IBCLC for great tips on engorgement.

Formula: If you have long-term nursing goals, it is best to avoid formula if at all possible. This is especially true in the first few days and weeks of breastfeeding. Pro-breastfeeders are not saying this because they think formula is the devil. It's because it is well known that for each bottle of formula that is given, it is one less time your body is told to produce milk. When your baby is feeding 12 times a day this may not seem like a lot. But, this can cause significant supply problems. One of the most common reasons formula is given is for concerns regarding weight loss in the first day or week. This study provides information on weight loss in the first 24 hours and how this can affect breastfeeding confidence. And this study actually recommends waiting 24 hours to determine true birth weight before beginning to calculate weight loss since it is known that the newborn's birth weight is falsely elevated if the mother is given IV fluids during labor. Watching a baby's wet diapers is the best way to determine sufficient milk supply but if you are ever worried about your baby's intake or weight you should talk with the pediatrician and/or a lactation consultant for recommendations.  

In summary, it is best to allow your baby to establish your milk supply for the first 4-6 weeks. That's why I suggest no bottles or pump for the first month! This will help your supply for many more months afterward.

I want to remind everyone that I am only a mom that is very passionate about breastfeeding success and providing information to moms that desire it. My information is based upon personal experience, research and talking with other moms. I am not an expert. I am entirely certain that there are lots of babies that were given both pacifiers and bottles and moms that pumped in the first month and went on to have long and wonderful breastfeeding success. I also know that it is sometimes necessary to use bottles and pump during the first month. These are only general suggestions to help promote breastfeeding for as long as possible if that is, indeed, what you desire. 

Check out some of my other posts about nursing here including more info on the newborn stage. 

 

  

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Breastfeeding - Newborn Stage

Initiating breastfeeding is something that takes learning and can most certainly be overwhelming. I would certainly say nursing took learning (both times) for me but, overall, I was quite fortunate in how well things went. My second baby was actually more challenging for me than my first (but more on that another time). 

One of the biggest benefits I had was that I took a breastfeeding class and this allowed me to start nursing with some confidence. I would definitely recommend all pregnant women that plan to nurse take a breastfeeding class. I was also surrounded by mothers (mine and my husband's) that breastfed, as well as my best friend who was nursing baby #2 when I had my first and our pediatrician who nursed her own. It can be very helpful to surround yourself with a breastfeeding support group and be sure that you are comfortable asking your support group questions - because you will have many! You can also check out local groups in your area. Also, be sure to have the number of your local lactation consultant group available because chances are you will have a question for a LC at some point.

Here are my experiences and what I have learned about breastfeeding in the newborn stage with both of my daughters:

Milk supply is established in the first 4 - 6 weeks of life. This is the most important time and critical that the newborn has direct access to the breast around the clock. 

Breastfeeding should not be painful.  I've heard lots of women talk about soreness and even pain while nursing. I rarely experienced this. Pain is really a sign that there is a problem. I think I had no pain because of positioning and my children having downright fantastic latches. There are many reasons for pain or discomfort and you should always ask for help if you are experiencing pain. When I did experience discomfort it was always related to positioning.

Positioning:

Bring the baby to your breast, not your breast to the baby. 

Baby's mouth needs to be WIDE open to get a proper latch. 

Positioning my body any my baby's body was important to make sure there was no drag or pull on my nipples. While I was being evaluated by a lactation consultant, she noticed that I had a white line (compression of my nipple) and she was very concerned about my positioning. She informed me that I needed to make sure my baby's head was aligned well with my nipple. To do this I used a Boppy, several couch pillows and receiving blankets rolled in various manners to achieve the perfect position. My husband called this "Fort Breastfeed!" but it worked perfectly to get my baby in perfect alignment. I also had to use the ''C" hold of my breast. Both of these things were short-term and once I was a bit more skilled, I was able to let go of Fort Breastfeed. 

Once I was more comfortable with nursing, I also fell in love with nursing in the side lying position. With no effort at all, me and my baby were in perfect alignment and I was able to nap easily in this position. 

Hunger Cues and Timing:

I also learned crying is a late sign of hunger. Maybe many other mamas out there know this already but this was something that I learned during breastfeeding class. I tried my best to start feeding my baby before she began to cry --- but that's not to say that it didn't (or still doesn't) happen sometimes. I tried to learn all the non-crying signs of my baby's hunger but often still found myself asking regularly, Is she rooting? Is she hungry? Did something just brush her cheek so now she just thinks she's hungry? It could be really tough to tell. But as I got to know my baby better it became easier. It got to the point that all I had to do was hear my baby starting to shuffle in the co-sleeper beside my bed. Before she or I were even completely awake, I knew it was time for our middle-of-the-night nurse. 

Some of the best nursing advice I got was from my children's pediatrician. It was all about timing. Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm all about demand feeding and not putting a baby on a schedule --- but the basics of what the pediatrician taught me is this: Allow the baby to nurse about every 2 hours during the DAY. The reason for this is that breast fed infants initially need to eat on average 8 -12 times per day (usually this frequency is for the first 3 months but this varies for each baby). Basic math told me that, on average, that means every other hour. But the timing doesn't actually have to be every other hour around the clock. Of course, a baby can get hungry every hour on the hour for 3 or 4 hours straight (which is called cluster feeding and is quite common) or a baby can go 4 hours and not want to nurse. 

My pediatrician recommended that in the beginning I not let my baby go more than 2 hours without offering the breast during the DAY. If the baby isn't hungry, she won't eat. But if she is hungry, she simply will eat sooner than when I may have noticed her hunger cues. And the pediatrician said if I offer her more during the day, then I may not have to feed quite as much at night. I can tell you this worked beautifully for my oldest and she was sleeping 6 hours straight through the night by the time she was 6 weeks old. With my second it never went quite as perfectly. With both my girls, there were still wide fluctuations with their feeding schedules but this advice was just a nice guideline. Please keep in mind here that I am, again, not suggesting putting a baby on a feeding schedule. I believe strongly in the importance of learning your baby's hunger cues  and feeding on demand. The idea of feeding a minimum of every 2 hours is based on the theory that a new baby needs to eat this often anyway. By paying attention to this timing, it allowed me notice and learn hunger cues earlier.

Additionally, in the beginning it is absolutely recommended that babies eat around the clock. Most pediatricians teach that a sleeping baby should be awoken to feed at certain intervals - at least every 3 - 4 hours - until they have regained their birth weight, reached a certain age and/or the baby's doctor has given the okay to stop this.  

Length of each nursing session: A guideline my pediatrician suggested was a minimum of 5 minutes and a maximum of 30 minutes per side. This is only a guideline (like all other information in this post) and it is important to keep in mind that all babies and moms will not function within these guidelines, myself included, as I most certainly did not always follow these time suggestions.

If your baby nurses for less than 5 minutes: She may have just accidentally come unlatched and then was too sleepy to relatch herself. It is reasonable to attempt to wake baby and try to latch again.

If your baby nurses for more than 30 minutes: She may have a strong need to comfort nurse and be most content in this position. My first choice was to always allow my baby to unlatch herself, which most often did happen in under 30 minutes. If she did nurse longer than 30 minutes I typically chose to attempt to unlatch her at that point. If she cried, rooted or attempted to relatch I would most certainly allow her to continue nursing but I did choose to switch sides. Even if this meant, for example: 30 minutes on the right, 30 minutes on the left and 20 more on the right again. I also lost all track of time during our nap and night-time nursing when we both fell asleep and it was perfectly fine.  

Remember, to always continue to listen to your baby's hunger cues and nurse on demand. You cannot "over-nurse" your baby. If you are having any concern with pain or supply questions be sure to ask for help by a lactation consultant. 

Pumping:

Another big thing for me was learning about pumping. As a working mom this was just something that had to happen if I wanted to sustain breastfeeding for a year or longer. But I can't say enough how much I really, really do not like pumping. There's enough to say about pumping for a whole other post so all I will say now is that I didn't pump until the 4-6 week mark (which is also the earliest I introduced the bottle). This way, my baby was able to establish the exact amount of milk she needed during that first month or so which is the most critical time for establishing supply. Plus, I was exhausted enough without adding pumping and cleaning parts to the mix. [As with all recommendations, pumping this way only works if there are no feeding, latching or other medical concerns. Pumping initiation will also have to be determined based on the time that a mother has to return to work].

Nursing Moments:

In those early weeks, my body was healing after completing an amazing feat (growing a human for over 9 months and then giving birth to her) and was then learning how to continue to sustain her life through breastfeeding. It gave the term "sleep deprivation" a whole new meaning. One of my favorite things during that time though was nursing and snuggling with my baby afterwards. For me, all of the challenges and struggles are worth the wonderful nursing moments. One of my favorite memories of early nursing is when my first baby was finished she would unlatch and with her eyes closed she would smack her lips 3 times, then her head would lull back onto my chest. We would snuggle with each other afterwards and both of us were perfectly content. I carried this image with me often when I was away from my baby and it helped me so much when I sat down to pump at work.

Nursing Resources from other Moms:
 

Tenns from New Mama Diaries:

A really short and simple explanation regarding milk supply:

Breastfeeding: How to Know if Your Baby is Getting Enough Milk

And a little info on the quite challenging but inevitable cluster feeding: 

Recognizing and dealing with baby growth spurts


Julia from The Everyday Momma has  some fantastic tips listed on her: 

Top Breastfeeding DO's  and

Top Breastfeeding DONT's.

The only things I feel differently regarding Julia's DOs and DON'Ts list is that I absolutely love my nursing tanks and bras (especially my sleep bras) and I honestly can't imagine nursing a newborn without them. We also never kept formula in the house.

 I want to share this sign with you too. I first saw it on Julia's blog but I love it so much I wanted to add it to this post as well:

The Alpha Parent:The below link has day by day details and info for newborns and info goes up to age 2+. It is long but a fantastic reference to return to as baby grows.

Timeline of a Breastfed Baby by the Alpha Parent

Another fantastic nursing resource: 

Nursing Nurture 

As I'm sure you already know, there's an abundance of info available in books and on the web regarding breastfeeding. What worked well for me or another mom will not necessarily be what works well for you. It's just a matter of finding what's best for you and your baby and knowing there's a lot of trial and error. And that's not just regarding breastfeeding - it's finding what works best for you regarding parenting, and life in general. You will make a million choices as a mom. Your choices may be different from mine or your best friends or your sisters. But as long as it works well for you and your baby - that is all that matters!

Updated: 12/29/13, 12/30/13, 5/4/14, 5/5/14
Updates made for: clarification purposes, easier readability, additional resources linked

Please remember that this post if my tips and advice from my personal experience.The internet is never a proper source of medical information and this is not intended for medical advice or treatment. You should always seek care from you and your child's care providers.

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The above information is not intended to be used for medical advice and you should always consult your own healthcare team when making health decisions for yourself or your family.

I Wish I Knew: Mommy Tendonitis

A year ago today I waked through the door of a doctor’s office and was told that I had de quervain's tendonitis in both of my wrists. In the 7 minutes I  spent with the doctor, he explained that I had severe inflammation in the tendon at the base of my thumb. Every time I used my hands to pinch, turn or twist I was causing that inflammation to get worse. He called this "mommy tendonitis" because a large portion of the patients he sees with it are new moms. My baby was 10 weeks old at the time. Others call it "mommy thumb."

Those at higher risk for getting de quervain's:

-women (most specifically new moms) --- check!
-over the age of 30 --- check!
-having a large baby --- and check! My baby weighed in at 9.7 lbs at birth and was over 14 lbs by 2 months. Not to mention her big sister (who was getting carried a lot still) was 30 pounds.

My problem started some time before my baby was even born though. It was in July (of 2012) when I was 7 months pregnant and the average temperatures were in the 80s and up to the 90s. It was at this time that I began to have significant swelling and would awake in the middle of the night with numbness and tingling in my hands. I told the midwife about this discomfort at my regular check-ups. I was told it was carpal tunnel syndrome and would go away once the pregnancy was over. I noticed it getting worse throughout the end of pregnancy. I often had to switch hands if I was on the phone for more than 20 minutes and would have to take a break if I was writing. The tingling was becoming painful. I was, again, reassured that it would end with the pregnancy.

And as they all do, my pregnancy came to an end, and I had another beautiful daughter. The home health nurse came for my postpartum visit a few days after the birth and I asked her how much longer I had to wait for my pain to go away. She told me it would take a couple of weeks for my swelling to go away. And so I waited.

That 2 weeks came and went and I was in a haze of caring for a newborn and a toddler. One afternoon I tried to open a can of spaghetti sauce for lunch. I tried to use a knife to loosen it. A towel to twist it. I sat on the floor and tried to brace the jar with my knees. We had a can of diced tomatoes instead. Shortly after that, I was trying to dress my baby girl and I couldn't get her onesie snapped. I tried to shake my hands out, thinking it would help. I tried the snaps again. The pain was too bad. I stuffed the open onesie in her pants.

I went to my 6 week postpartum check-up and told the midwife my pain had gotten worse. Not better and certainly not gone. The midwife said that it no longer sounded like pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome and recommended that I go to a specialist at that point. I allowed more time to pass. While still on maternity leave, I was driving to story time at the library with my mother-in-law. I described the pain to her (she is also a nurse). She told me it sounded like de quervain's. She has had too. She gave me her doctor's name. 

And that is how I found myself at the doctor's office a year ago today. After my visit with the doctor, I went next door to meet my occupational therapist. There I was fitted for splints for each wrist. I could not contain my emotion and I sat in the office and cried my eyes out. As embarrassing as it was, I could not figure out how I was supposed to take care of my children wearing those things. Of course, I could really only wear one at a time (except for at night). I wouldn't be able to drive, eat, or dress myself (let alone my children) if I was wearing both. 

I was able to get through my next appointment at the occupational therapist without crying. But I was still mad, really mad, that I was going through this. He told me that I needed to share it with other moms. Had I not ignored the pain it may have taken as little as a couple weeks with more careful lifting, ice, and ibuprofen. He told me to share my story.

I soon learned why sharing it was important. Many people would ask me what happened when seeing my splint.  I would answer simply, "I have tendonitis." Many replied, "Oh, that's good." I couldn't figure out what they could possibly think was good about being in so much pain that I needed my wrist and thumb immobilized. But a couple people said to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And told me their story of tendonitis. Most people haven't had tendonitis. Not to mention the common names for tendonitis are the activities that cause it - tennis elbow, trigger finger, and mommy thumb. So it's understandable that most people aren't familiar with it. Which means many more people don't know how to minimize it. Here are 3 things I wish I had done differently.

1. I wish I had changed positions when picking up my children. That being said, it's impossible to NOT pick up your children and pretty hard to even modify it. Using the "L" position under a child's arms puts  a lot of pressure on the thumb and wrist and is the biggest contributor to the pain. Still today, I find it's automatic to pick my children up in this fashion so I have to stop and think before I pick them up. Now, I use one forearm under my baby's tush and the other on her upper back. If they are on the floor I kneel down first before picking them up. And when they're laying down (especially when babies are very young and without head control) I slide both forearms under their body to pick them up. Many times, I also curl my thumb in and use my fist for support.

2.  I wish I hadn't held my Kindle in my hand when reading e-books. I didn't think that little thing could put that much pressure on my wrist but it definitely contributed. 

3. I wish I had paid more attention and gone to the doctor sooner. The swelling and hormonal changes during pregnancy can cause both carpal tunnel syndrome and tendonitis. I was unfortunate enough to get both. I had hand pain for so long that I didn't realize that one kind of pain had gone away and a new one had started. I'm normally really good at listening to my body but this time I just wasn't. I remember saying at the time I was too busy taking care of my kids to notice. While that was true, it's important to remember my own health was also important. My midwife had been right that it went away and if I had paid attention that something new was happening, I may just have avoided a lot of this. 

Unfortunately, I can't go back in time and have a do-over. This story may come off as if I'm whining and complaining. I don't mean for it to sound this way. But it was tough. I was unable to dress my baby or change her diapers without pain for months. My husband did most of the dressing, diapering and bathing. While I know that might sound like a dream, being that dependent was extremely difficult. I couldn't really be home alone with my baby. I often had to have her handed to me to breastfeed her. I relied on my friend (where the kids go to day care) to put my kids in their car seats. My husband even had to take over cleaning my pumping supplies. I have had many moms tell me that is not something that they could have let their husbands do. I had no choice. I had to go to work so I had to pump. It was that or not breastfeed.  I had to let go of many things during this time. It was challenging to feel so helpless. But I was fortunate to have the help I needed. 

In the end I used heat therapy, an economy size bottle of ibuprofen, had steroid cream administered through an electrical current (called iontophoresis) and regular occupational therapy. I wore my splint on my right wrist for the recommended 6 weeks and was relieved that the pain was minimized after that time. Unfortunately, while "resting" my right side my left side was doing everything and got significantly worse. It became painful to open a door, turn a key or cut my food. I got a cortisone injection and continued the above treatment and splinting for an additional 4 months. Still, I could see my tendon popping under my skin. So I reluctantly had surgery. There was some improvement after that but the pain remained. I had a total of 10 months of occupational therapy and 11 months of splinting. To augment traditional treatments I also had 12 sessions of acupuncture and wear magnetic bracelets on my wrist every day. I am beyond grateful to my friend who recommended acupuncture which provided the most pain relief. A year later I am finally starting to feel better. I still have to be careful with how I lift the kids. I can't use my left thumb to type. I have only knitted twice in the last year and the time I did it for more than 20 minutes, I felt it for 3 days after. Not a day goes by that I don't hurt.

But I am almost back to normal now. And my hope of all hopes is that I can share this story and prevent at least one new mom from experiencing mommy tendonitis. My occupational therapist urged me to share my story to help other moms. I had no idea at the time how I would do that. But I'm hoping that writing this is at least a start.

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Body Change

The post-pregnancy body is a difficult topic. It's not something I really enjoy talking about but I also feel like it's something I need to talk about. Because the truth is, when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. Although I don't want my daughters to feel that way about themselves, it is unfortunately the way I feel. I didn't love my body before I had children but I had gotten used to it and mostly accepted it as it was. And, of course, there's no question that children are worth the changed body. But it doesn't mean I can't admit to not liking the changes it caused. Sometimes I even feel guilty about not liking this body because I guess in a lot of ways it isn't that bad. But here's the problem I have:

My second baby just turned one and I STILL have a baby bump. In certain outfits this looks more true than others. It's definitely worse when I'm not wearing my Spanx (which I have refused to do on a daily basis). At least like a true baby bump it doesn't get bigger and bigger. Instead it has wild fluctuations depending on what and when I eat, my overall GI health, hormones, and even if I have a full bladder!! There are some days I even feel thin and then 2 days later, I'll wonder what happened. 

When my baby was 11 months old I was super happy to step on the scale and be back to my pre-preganancy weight. I'm even in my old dress size. Unfortunately, some of my old jeans still don't button and many of my shirts are now mid-driffs. This is illogical because I can go to the store and buy new clothes in the old size that actually do fit but then go home and feel like I'm stuffing myself in my old clothes. I think part of that is variation in clothes. The other part, the bigger part, is when I put on my old clothes I expect to see myself the way I used to look in them before I had two babies. 

And it's pretty unlikely that I will ever look the way I looked before I birthed my beautiful (and large) children. I'm not saying I won't be able to get to a place where I'm satisfied or at least accepting. But just that it will never be the same.

Backtracking for a moment - I was so happy to see the beautiful Kate Middleton admit to wearing maternity clothes postpartum and publicly look like this: 

Source: Google Images

Because this is how I looked:

1 week postpartum

I know there was a lot of criticism for all the hype that was given to the Dutchess' postpartum belly. I admire her for stepping out and sharing that part of her vulnerable self though. A lot of the articles shot back: of course she still looks pregnant!  But before I had my own children I DID NOT KNOW that my belly would look like that. I had friends that had babies before me and I don't remember their bellies looking like that. Maybe some were lucky and didn't look like that but if they did, I don't remember. I was probably too busy checking on how they were feeling and admiring their adorable new baby. I didn't even actually know my belly was that big after my baby until months later when I saw this picture (which was taken of my friend's son whose shoulder can be seen in the foreground). I was feeling small when that picture was taken compared to how I had felt a week before at 9 + months pregnant. 

I also wore maternity pants to work for SEVEN MONTHS!! While this might be extreme, I couldn't fit into any of my regular clothes and I didn't want to have to buy multiple work wardrobes while going through this slow transition. I had been lucky enough to just have to change scrub sizes for my work wardrobe after my first baby. By the way - added benefit of maternity pants (other than the elastic) is that they smooth the belly and are much more comfortable than Spanx. People would tell me "you look great" and I would feel guilty because it felt like I was cheating by wearing belly flattening (maternity) pants.

Today, I'm thankfully out of maternity pants but I still have a protruding belly and I do my best to cover it up. Before I had children I didn't think I could fix the things I didn't like (I won't detail what those things are) but there is one thing I CAN fix now. It's my diastasis recti. The separation of my abdominal muscles that occurred while I was pregnant. It's something that I thought would just fix itself if I gave it enough time. But it hasn't.

Maybe you also have this problem. Hopefully, you're lucky and this didn't happen to you. Maybe your baby is too young for you to notice and you are quite comfy in your sweats and maternity pants (enjoy it as long as possible!). I've read of people who didn't know they had this until their kids were in their 20s. But I've done the simple test to check and my muscles have not returned, not even after a year. And I'm at the point where I'm ready to fix it. Here's hoping it works! 

Here's the link with a little info about diastasis recti and the exercises I started. 

http://inspiredrd.com/2012/06/dear-diastasis-recti-im-so-over-you.html 

It's new to me so I don't know how it'll go but it's worth a try. Please let me know if you've tried this or have any other methods. I'll keep you posted on my progress and would love to hear your story too!

This is Really Hard

This is really hard. That phrase is one I have said myself several times and have heard said over and over by both rookie and veteran mothers. And what is it that makes it so hard? Is it that we just have no idea what to expect? We think we have watched plenty of friends, sisters, co-workers. We have been told lots of stories. So we think we are prepared. We all think we know it’s going to be hard, right? But what makes it so surprisingly hard is that we just didn’t know what to expect

 

I recently “treated” myself to a spa service (an underarm wax). As I was laying on the table, half dressed, the esthetician noticed my nursing bra and asked if I have a baby at home. In the 15 minutes it takes to get ones hair ripped out of her arm pits we learned that our babies (her first, my second) were about two months apart and we discussed their feeding and sleeping habits. Normal stuff. And then we both admitted that we found motherhood to be quite challenging, quite unexpectedly so. The esthetician then told me that motherhood for her, was not what she believed society told her it was going to be. It made her sad. And she wondered what I had wondered before, why had no one told us how hard it was. And we wondered, if they had told us, would it be easier? It’s my second time having a baby at home, my second time wearing a nursing bra. I no longer have these overwhelming feelings, but I remember them. I remember feeling so unsure.

A month or so after that experience, a co-worker of mine had a grandson born. Her daughter had a long and difficult labor. The daughter told her mother she’s not sure if she can do it again, that this is just not what she expected. It was really hard. 

And, I cannot tell you how many times I asked my husband and closest girlfriend, “Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be like this? Why don’t women just talk to each other about this stuff?!”

The truth is, the above feeling are likely what most new moms (and dads too) are feeling. So, why is it that we don’t share this with other moms? Here are my thoughts:

1)    Before someone gets pregnant: We don’t want to scare the child-less women of the world into not having children and single-handedly be the cause of ending humanity.

2)    Once they are pregnant: Whether you are having a good or bad pregnancy, you are still in bliss at the new baby growing inside of you and the joy and awe that your baby is already bringing you. It would be evil of us to burst that bubble and end even a fraction of that happiness. 

3)    Once the baby is born: You may find that a few women do tell you they went through hard times too and what you are feeling is normal but it somehow sounds like a foreign language. It’s hard to intake new information in the partial wakefulness and hormone surges you’re living in. You may also find you really don’t have time to talk much about important things between the feedings, the diaper changes, the loads of laundry. And as new moms will even cover it up. Before our visitors come over, we will wash our hair for the first time in 3 days and find a clean shirt. And in our heads we will think it’s obvious that we look and feel like crap. But it’s usually not so obvious. So the mother in #3 becomes the reason in #1 and the circle continues.

Right after I returned to work from maternity leave the first time I  was on a (small) crusade to share the challenges with pregnant moms: to one mom I said I found new motherhood very overwhelming so please call me to talk. Another future mom who was due in May was convinced she was going to spend her summer with the baby at a local amusement park. I told her she wouldn’t. She would be too busy and too tired. I told a few other expecting moms things like this but eventually stopped. My words were not heard.

And when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized I had moms tell me too. I have 2 friends with their first born about the same age (older than my first). I don’t know the details but I know they told me it was hard and there was a lot of sleep deprivation involved. I think I remember them saying they were never doing it again. They both have second children - and no, they weren’t accidents!

And now that I have had almost 3 years to process it, I really think the reason the challenge of motherhood is so unexpected is because it’s simply like nothing you’ve experienced before. It’s the same as when you tell someone you’re tired when you’re pregnant. They say, ‘Okay, so you’re tired when you’re pregnant. I’ve been tired – I know what that means.’ But until you experience the intensity of pregnancy fatigue, you really don’t understand it. And a woman cannot truly understand the challenges we are faced with of being a mother until you are one.

And there will be challenges. During pregnancy, labor or birth. Breastfeeding will take learning and may not come as easily as you thought. You will lose the previous version of yourself (both physically but also in who you are and what you do). You will lose the previous version of your marriage. You will lose sleep. Your baby will get ill. Your toddler will hit and scream and may even reject you at times. You will feel a love that is so intense that the love, in and of itself, will be overwhelming. And this is just the beginning. I now realize that I can’t even begin to know the parental challenges that still lie ahead for me. And my challenges will be different from yours. But there is someone out there that has experienced the same thing you are experiencing. And she was out there thinking, “This is really hard. This is not what I expected. Why didn’t anyone tell me this?”

So let’s just do this. Let’s talk about it. Let’s lean on each other and support one another. Not to frighten, not to burst bubbles. Not to ignore or hide from it. But to share and to help. Let’s talk. 

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