When Your Child Starts Having Doubts About Santa

Christmas is such a magical time of year. It is filled with special time with family and friends, lots of fun and exciting activities. There are delicious treats, Christmas carols and lights, and of course, gifts! Our family is all about the fun and tradition and all about this being the season of giving. We select a charity and give donations, we make lots of unique hand-made crafty presents, my daughters choose gifts for one another and there are gifts under the tree from mom and dad. Our family is also a Santa Claus family and our children have been raised from their very first Christmas to believe that Santa comes on Christmas Eve and places gifts under the tree too. But, now, my oldest child is starting to have doubts about Santa.

This all started last year, in fact.  We were  at our little town's Christmas celebration. She turned to us and asked how Santa got to the celebration so quickly. For one thing, there was no sleigh or reindeer in sight and the other thing; she had seen Santa earlier in the day at a train show. Thankfully, she didn't notice that the Santas didn't look anything alike and we quickly told her that Santa travelled on his sleigh but it just wasn't nearby. She had just turned four in October so we blew it off as simple curiosity, not thinking she could possibly be truly doubting Santa at this young age. We wrapped up a wonderful Christmas in 2014 with no other questions or doubts. 

Then came December 1st, 2015  and out came our little Elf on the Shelf (his name is Roafe). Roafe made his 2015 debut by dancing with one of our wooden figurines which allowed a solid view of his back side. And his tag. His. Tag. And moments after being reconnected with her Elf, my daughter looked up at me with puzzled eyes and asked why on Earth did this live, little man have a tag. I'm a terrible liar so my response was something along the lines of 'I have no idea' and her response was, "I think he's really a toy." Well, if he is a toy how does he fly back and forth to the North Pole and tell Santa what you want? How does he move all over the house? Yeah, that response came after I had a bit more time to think. I hoped that would be the end and we could just enjoy our little Christmas beliefs about a jolly old man and flying elves.

A week later we happened to be discussing fairies. Keep in mind, my daughter's love and belief in fairies is likely stronger than Santa and the Easter Bunny combined. She used to tell us that she had fairy friends that were in her room and helped her fall asleep at night. So imagine my shock when she asked, "Are fairies real?" She actually asked the "R" question. No beating around the bush. No offer of speculation or theories. Just the question. Are they real? This time, my husband and I were both ready and responded at the same time, "The tooth fairy! Of course they're real!" She has already lost two teeth and she has two more loose right now. She looked at us and acknowledged this was clearly the truth. But, still, the next day I heard her telling her little sister that princesses aren't real. Finally, we were able to emphatically tell her that princesses are most definitely real (and could have zero guilt about the little white lies that have come with all the others).

In the end, she seems to be alternating from complete belief to uncertainty. She is asking very reasonable questions or making solid statements that counter the truth. Such as the story she told us about the elf at school. They put a special seed in the Elf's snow and the next day at school "Candy canes grew WITH a WRAPPER on them." But then there are also the times I have found her having long, detailed conversations with her elf about her Christmas wishes or even what she did at school. She isn't ready to admit a full fledged disbelief and I will hold onto that for this year and hope we may even get next year, too. For one thing, I want her to hold onto the magic of Christmas. They are only small once with all the hope, delight and magic that Christmas can bring. And Santa does help all of that. 

This is a great article: Why The Whole Family Benefits When Kids Believe in Santa. 

It is reassuring to know it is a gradual process and it allows for some critical thinking along with the fun. At this point, I'm not ready for her to blurt it out and spoil the fun for her three year old sister. We will definitely work on making sure she knows how special it is to keep it a secret, once she does learn. But for this year (the year when I have a three and five year old) I'm going to work hard to keep it a secret from both of them. So while we were watching Goofy and they start talking about not believing in Santa on the show, you better believe Netflix suddenly "stopped working" to the point that even Daddy couldn't fix it. If she figures it out, I want her to figure it out on her own - not because someone else (or a show or movie) made her doubt.

For now, I will hold onto the look on her face on Christmas morning. The moment when she steps out of her room, looks down the stairs, and sees that Santa came to visit. In that moment, I know any doubt she may have will disappear. At least for this year. And I'll know, once she does know the truth, Christmas will not really stop being magical. Because as Strega Nona says (from the book by Tomie DePaola) "Christmas has a magic of its own." 

Sometimes, I Forget You're Only Four

You are so big. I do mean that in a physical sense. At 45 inches and 49 pounds you're in the 98th percentile for both height and weight. But it's more than your size. I mean it in the words that you say, the connections you make and the empathy for others that you already seem to have. Sometimes, you seem so much older. Sometimes, I forget you're only four.

But when I go to to check on you in the middle of the night your sweet face shows just how young you really are. A quiet sigh escapes your small lips while you clutch your Elsa doll close to your chest. Sometimes, you seem so much older. Sometimes, I forget you're only four. In a moment like this, while I watch you sleep, that's when I remember.

Then you say something like, "The Earth is the only planet that we know has living things." And it's just hard to believe that you're not only learning more and more every day but you're remembering the things you're learning. This all seems to be happening so quickly and it makes me know you're needing me just a little less each day as you learn more and gain more independence. But then, while we're getting ready in the morning, you hug me around my neck and tell me, "I just want my mommy." Sometimes, you seem so much older. Sometimes, I forget you're only four. In a moment like this, when you tell me you need me, that's when I remember. 

Even though sometimes I do still forget. Especially when you recite a specific house rule to your cousin such as the time you told her, "You have to taste everything on your plate by having three bites of each food." You certainly know all the rules. And you are happy to share them with both your cousin and your sister. You often sound more like an adult than a four year old. But, sometimes, you forget to follow the rules and you get told no or to stop. This causes you to slam your body on the ground and kick your arms and legs and scream. I get frustrated that a child at your age still acts like this. Because, well, sometimes you seem so much older. Sometimes, I forget you're only four. In a moment like this, when you have a temper tantrum, that's when I remember.

You can become so upset and irrational in a flip of a switch during a tantrum. But in the very next moment I can hear you trying to explain death to your sister by telling her, "When you die you don't do anything. You just lay down with God." I hear you say that and it takes my breath away. Did you hear that from someone else or piece it together on your own from the bits you have learned from watching ones that you love pass away? I'm not sure. But the tender age of four seems far too young to say something like that, even if you are only reciting it from something you have heard before. Thankfully, these serious moments are few and far between. In the next minute someone could say the words "poopy butt" and you would laugh like it's the funniest and most creative joke that was ever told. Your laughter is so pure and full of youth, even if it's only over the words poopy butt. Sometimes, you seem so much older. Sometimes, I forget you're only four. In a moment like this, when you laugh hysterically over potty talk, that's when I remember. 

I often find myself wondering where the time has gone. How did I blink and you are already four-and-a half? I will watch you periodically and remember a time, not so long ago, when you were just a small baby in my arms. Or a toddler learning how to walk and talk. Now, you are tall, rarely needing to be held and you have an ever-expanding vocabulary. While you're only four, you just seem so big.Then you remind me of just how small you really are on the days you do your own hair. You add a random assortment of hair clips and head bands.

On this occasion you chose a Frozen hair clip, both a Christmas and Halloween clip, an owl and a fluffy purple clip. You look fantastic every time. What I love about it is that you absolutely love doing your own hair. It makes you feel pretty and grown-up. And it gives me a chance to remember just how little you really are. Even though you can easily recite the details from our vacation over a year ago. Or tell me the directions to someone's house. Or the time months ago that you accidentally dropped a hair clip in the toilet. Or, really, any other random detail that I'm not entirely certain I would remember if you didn't remind me. I can't help but think sometimes you seem older than four with that impeccable memory of yours. It also doesn't help that you have a little sister. Each day I see you both getting bigger. But at least I have a littler one than you. I guess you seem bigger because I look at your sister today and remember when you were just as little as she is now.  I just keep thinking that you seem to be growing up so fast.

Sometimes, you seem so much older. Sometimes, I really do forget you're only four. Just yesterday you came downstairs wearing your fairy wings. Those wings remind me: You definitely are still my little girl. I can't stop time. I can't (nor would I want to) keep you from growing taller, learning new things and saying amazing things that make my heart skip a beat. But every time you do those things you remind me that each of these moments are short. Soon you will be off to preschool and before I know it, you will then be off to college. While there certainly are tough moments of age four, there are many more wonderful moments. These are the beginning moments of learning and creativity. These are the moments of cuddling stuffed animals and needing your parents with your every being. These are the moments of not being too big for tantrums. These are the moments of wearing twenty colorful hair clips and fairy wings outside to play. These are the moments of age four. These moments won't be here forever. And I don't want to forget that, today, you're only four. 

   
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Being Accepting, Including of Barbie

For about the first two years of my daughter's life, I chose all of her toys. Well, me and our other family and friends that purchased toys for her. And almost every single one of those toys were gender neutral. I don't really think this was intentional. After all, there were lots of different people making purchases during those first birthdays, Christmases and so on. In those first two years, we don't really know specifically what a baby is going to like so gender neutral toys are a common choice. There were all different kinds of blocks and stacking toys. Puzzles and books. And lots of Little People. Because what kid doesn't love zoo and farm animals or a school bus? The only exception to this is we did begin a collection of baby dolls around age one. But even without dolls, her teddy bears and other stuffed animals had already become her babies. Or her "sweeties" as she called them. 

The more I think about it though, it wasn't just about the toys. My daughter got her first real illness (a GI bug) when she was 15 months old. That's when she saw her very first full length movie. She watched Happy Feet because she loves penguins. But it didn't stop there with gender neutral movies. The next ones she watched were Nemo, The Lion King and The Lorax. Not a single princess movie in sight. And, truthfully, this was not an accident. In no way did I feel the need to feed my very young daughter movies about getting saved by and then married to a handsome prince. I had intentions of limiting princesses as much as I possibly could so that I did not have a princess-obsessed daughter.

Until my daughter came home from daycare and she was talking all about Cinderella and Aurora, Belle and more. She was learning about all of the princesses from her BFF at daycare. She spent all day with this little princess-obsessed girl and there was nothing I was going to be able to do or say to stop her interest (and love) for princesses from growing. 

I didn't fight it. This is what she was interested in so I accepted it. Embraced it, really. I even bought Frozen. Because, really, how could I have resisted the Frozen craze? My oldest was Elsa and my youngest was Anna for Halloween last year. My idea. Then they both enjoyed a lovely performance of Disney Princesses on Ice. It was fun, and they loved every minute of it. We are now the owners of not only Frozen, but also Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Tangled along with a few TinkerBell movies. We fell into our princess entrenched lives. Almost every day, the girls come home from daycare and change into dresses so they can play princess together. We officially have princess-obsessed girls and I have completely accepted this.

But I was still not quite prepared for Barbie at age four. However, my daughter's friend (also age four) asked  for a Barbie house for Christmas. My daughter heard her describe it and she wanted one too. Now, I don't give in to my children's every wish but this was the only item she was asking for last Christmas. And she never changed her mind. That was the one thing she wanted. I had hoped to hold off on Barbie a little longer, but I also believe in Christmas magic. I bought the house (be it the less expensive vacation home version) and a few dolls. I also went to my crawl space and pulled out a few on my own Barbie dolls that I had saved and a bag of clothes. Christmas was magical, just as you can imagine. Today, she tells people her favorite Christmas gift was not the house, but her mom's old dolls. Inside that old bag of clothes of mine was a Barbie wedding dress. She has seen the pictures of her dad and me on our wedding and knew all about weddings. She asked for a boy Barbie right away. 

And here we are at Easter already. As I went down the toy aisle at Target, I looked for items my girls would want to fill their Easter baskets. And I came across Ken. 

I couldn't help but cringe as I placed him in my cart. Here I am, encouraging my daughter to play marriage with dolls with the most perfect of hair and smallest of waists. And if she isn't playing marriage, she is dressing her Barbies in gowns to go to the ball to meet the price. And so I placed this in my cart too.

And I cringed again. Not just for the short skirt or stiletto heels that complete the ensemble. But for the fact that I was encouraging this play by purchasing it. 

It never bothers me when my daughters play house with their baby dolls and one pretends to be the mom and the other the dad. But yet I was once resistant to characters in distress on a screen. And now I'm cringing at the idea of these little plastic dolls in their hands. But this is what she likes. This is what makes her happy. Who am I to not encourage and accept it? This is the whole of who she is. For now, she may be influenced by the toys her friends like. Or she might just really like dressing these dolls and using her imagination. Either way, it's fantastic fine motor practice. And it's highly unlikely she will grow up thinking that being saved by a man is her destiny. I certainly didn't. Despite my love for princesses and Barbie dolls.

My oldest daughter's Easter basket this year will contain Ken and ball gowns for Barbie. And it will also include a sketch book to fill with her drawings and those ball and Velcro catchers because she absolutely loves baseball. 

My youngest daughter's Easter basket will have a Thomas activity book and wooden train because that's her thing this year. 

They are both at an age now where they get to choose what they watch (when given TV time) and what to play with. These happen to include gender neutral toys as well as toys that are targeted specifically towards girls and specifically towards boys. And I'm proud to be raising girls that see no limitation to what they can watch or play with. Or where their imaginations can go. That perspective is what's really going to influence their future. Not fairy tales or pretend marriages.

My oldest enjoys playing with Barbie dolls but she also has a book about space that she carries around like a teddy bear. My youngest loves trains but also adores TinkerBell. They will both play in the mud and let bugs crawl on their arms and they will almost always be dressed like a princess or a fairy while doing this. I may still cringe, just a little, at Barbie's clothing of choice while she's on her search for a man. But I also accept that my little girls have an imagination and a choice all of their own. And I would never want to restrict that.

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Things I'm Going to Miss (Age 3)

 

3rd Birthday

I've said it before and I know I'm going to say it again and again: The time just seems to FLY! I know my dad has told me that this only becomes more true as we age. I think the truth behind that, though, it doesn't seem to be flying because I'm aging, but because my kids are doing so. They are growing and changing so rapidly, it's hard to believe where the time goes! 

That's why I love writing about some of my favorite parts of their last year after they celebrate a birthday. They change and mature, find new interests and make me laugh and enjoy life in new ways each year.

And as they do new things, I find it harder to remember the old. Just the other day, we were getting out of the car and both girls excitedly looked up at the sky to see the moon shining brightly. They both have a serious admiration for the moon (as I believe many kids do) and began to wave and talk to it. I suddenly remembered, when Autumn was much younger, she used to get out of the car on the way into day care and if the moon was out, she would say, "Good bye, Moon! I hope you have a good nap!" because she believes the moon is awake at night and sleeps during the day when she can't see it. It's one of those just darn cute things she did that I never want to forget! So, that was sometime when she was 2 and now she is a big 4 year old! And it really is hard to believe!

So, a few things I'm going to miss from my oldest daughter at age 3...

1. Calling your stuffed animals and dolls, "my sweeties." Heading out the door, you would cry, "Where's my sweetie?!"  Since all your favorite stuffed animals and dolls were your sweeties, we would have to determine which exact "sweetie" you wanted to take with you that day. The term of endearment seemed extra special since, of course, you are MY sweetie! 

2. Needing help with the little things: When you first turned 3, you still needed lots of help with the little things like taking off your shirt and zipping your jacket. It's not that I love doing these things for you. In fact, I'm quite proud of the fact that you mastered these and many other basic tasks at age 3. It's just that, it's wonderful to have a child that is young and this is simply proof that you're growing up. I hope upon all hope that you will always need a little help from your parents because, after all, we really do like helping and being needed!

3. Reading books by memorization: You love being read to and from a very young age and  (even before age 3) you began "reading" portions of books through memorization. And there's nothing sweeter than listening to you read to your baby sister. Now, you have begun some pre-reading. Just shortly after your fourth birthday, you started sounding out some simple words. It won't be long before you will truly be reading the words on the page. Again, I'm excited for you to be able to read but it's just more proof that you're really growing up! 

4. The super slow motion on your bike and roller skates: When you ride your bike or roller skates, you are extremely slow and cautious. And you actually still need me to hold both of your hands the entire time you're on your skates. I love this learning stage and, again, I know before long, you'll be off on your own, not needing me to be standing right by you! 

5. Picking out your own outfit: I don't expect you to ever stop picking out your outfits at this point in time but it's the style of a preschooler that I enjoy. One of my favorite outfits you chose to wear when you were 3 was a floral tank top, a tye dye skirt and pink tights with a cat print on them. I think you may continue with this eclectic style for quite some time but no one bats an eye whatsoever at a 3 year old dressed in this manner, which is pretty awesome! It's great not to have clothing choices judged, but unfortunately, you likely won't be able to dress walk into the bank or some other establishment in such an outfit without at least raising some eyebrows! 

6. The very simplest of things make you happy: Like breakfast for dinner, frozen fruit being added to your water, going to the park, seeing a school bus, the moon being out during the day and so many more things. You still get enjoyment out of all these things at age 4 and I sincerely hope that this continues for a long, long time - or forever. The simple things in life are almost always the best things and I hope you never, ever forget this!

Well, that's at least a few of the things I will miss about age 3. Some of these things stopped long ago, some will continue for quite some time. The only thing I know for certain, is age 4 will bring another year of fun and excitement! 

Just before 4th Birthday

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Numbers and Colors (Preschool Activity)

My oldest daughter {turned 3 in October} and we have been doing lots of everyday activities focusing on letter recognition and sounds that letters make. But it occurred to me recently that I hadn't even begun to work with her on recognizing the symbols for numbers. She's doing really well at understanding the concept of numbers and is able to even do some adding and subtracting but we just hadn't touched on reading number symbols. 

Since we have been setting the microwave timer while we're breaking the thumb sucking habit I decided to start there with talking about numbers. Because what 3 year old doesn't like to push buttons? Instead of setting the timer for 20 minutes we do 19 minutes and 24 seconds (the seconds change each time so she learns new numbers). She has really enjoyed learning her numbers or, at least, pushing the buttons. I was pleasantly surprised to learn after a couple days she could already recognize a few numbers; so we decided to do a numbers activity that also incorporated mixing paint to learn how secondary colors are made. [Please note: as she is only 3, I didn't actually refer to colors as primary or secondary. We just talked about mixing colors to make new colors.]

All you need for this project:

- foam bath numbers

- crayola washable primary (bold) colors finger paint and also regular white crayola washable paint

- large paper

- paint brushes

- smock (optional but highly recommended because it can get messy!)

When I started this I didn't actually plan on talking about colors but I asked Autumn what color she wanted to paint with first and she told me pink. She had learned about white and red Play-Doh making pink Play-Doh at daycare earlier in the week so I decided to reinforce that learning. She helped squeeze the paint out and mix it until it turned pink. She chose a number out of the pile of numbers and we discussed which number it was. Then she just used her paint brushes to paint directly onto the foam bath numbers and then "stamped" it onto a piece of paper. I quickly realized things were getting a bit messy so we made one piece of paper a "work station" and then had her put the numbers on a separate piece of paper. 

We also made purple, orange and green paint. And for good measure we painted and stamped the letters in her name too. One of the best parts of this project is the super easy clean up. The washable paint just comes right off the foam material (even the ones that had started to dry a little). Since this activity, Autumn has begun to recognize and point out numbers in our everyday interactions just as she is able to do with her letters.   

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Breaking the Thumb Sucking Habit

Both of my sweet girls happen to be thumb suckers. But it wasn't for lack of trying to get them to take pacifiers. I'm well aware of the recommendation to wait until a breastfed baby is 1 month old before offering a pacifier. But the very first night in the hospital I was grabbing for the thing. At home, I was not only offering, but downright encouraging because...well... I really wanted to sleep. My first {Autumn} took the pacifier a little bit but it just never stuck.

My maternity leave ended all too soon and I returned to work (at 12 weeks). While I sent the pacifier along to day care, Autumn chose her thumb instead. Talk about mommy guilt! Within days of my return to work, she was finding comfort in her thumb. At the time, I had to remind myself I really couldn't control her thumb sucking and although I was at work, she was receiving fantastic care from people who love her. And a tiny baby sucking their thumb is actually pretty darn cute.

Fast forward almost 2 years later and baby #2 {Amelia} enters the family. She also found comfort in her thumb but for her it was even before I returned to work. And as Autumn said at the time, "We're both sumb suckers." (and, yes, it was thumb with an "S"). And, believe it or not, they both only suck their left thumb.

We went for Autumn's first "official" dental visit a few months ago (just after she turned 3). The dentist looked in her mouth for about 3 seconds before she asked her if she happens to suck her thumb. She could tell instantly due to her teeth already shifting. The dentist said the goal would be for her to break the habit by age 4 because that's the age when permanent damage can occur. She also said there is large variation (meaning she could be much younger or much older before her teeth would be affected). The pediatric dentist fully recognizes that Autumn is young and it will be hard - especially at night. We also know we we want the process to be gentle as possible.

I decided to approach breaking the thumb sucking habit in a similar style to potty training. For us, this was a slow and steady method. And just as Autumn is not night time potty trained, I do not expect her to stop sucking her thumb at night for a very long time. 

But we are on the right track with breaking the habit during the day. Our first stop was the Target $1 bin. There, Autumn was allowed to select several items to put in her prize basket. Mommy picked a few items for the basket too. 

And we set the timer. With potty training you are trying to get a child to DO something when the timer goes off. While trying to break a habit you are trying to get the child to STOP doing something for the entire length of time that the timer is set. And that can be pretty tough for a young child to remember. But I went ahead and made the old, familiar sticker chart and set the timer.

I started with 5 minutes and she earned a prize after 5 stickers just to try to gain momentum. I added 5 minutes for each line she completed. We're on 20 minute time periods now and will stay at this time until she masters it. She often starts sucking her thumb right at the 18 or even 19 minute mark. 

The thing that has actually been the most effective is the reminder to stop the behavior with an immediate consequence and reward system. My children use their thumbs not only for comfort and to help them fall asleep but also while doing basically any quiet activity. Since TV is a pretty special treat in our house that was our first "no thumb sucking time." If the thumb was in the mouth, then the TV was paused. Quite effective. Once she became mostly successful with that, we moved on to other activities. This includes story time and listening to her music in the car. We still have a long way to go. Sometimes she even chooses her thumb over the music. But I'm proud at how often I watch her automatically start putting her thumb in her mouth and then she quickly stops and puts her hand down as she remembers. Of course, there's a lot of clapping and congratulations, just as there was when there was potty success.

This is a work in progress. I know there will be a lot of sticker charts in our future. One thing I have already learned is that I will plan to start this process earlier with Amelia, maybe around her second birthday. And I will only hope for relatively quick success of breaking the habit of two thumb suckers. In the meantime, I'm still consider opening a "braces" savings account!

Have you had to break your child of a habit such as thumb sucking (or the pacifier, carrying around a blanky or nail biting)? What ways did you find success?  
 
 

 
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